That awkward moment when my life
Also apologies for the long absence my five followers school likes to take over my life.
I also got strep and my doctor thinks I contracted mono too. I went through three different antibiotics because the first got me so sick I had to go to the ER and the second just didn’t work. I was unable to do more than drink water and walk to the bathroom for a week. Good times.
Allie Brosh wrote a nice post about depression with some hilarious analogies I will now use forever.
I hung out with two friends tonight and I love them both dearly but they’re dating now so different dynamics and also she’s kind of immature at times so I didn’t feel like I got anything comforting out of the experience.
Home is shitty and my depression is the worst it’s been since high school. And this time my life actually completely sucks. I mean I have that nice boyfriend I fantisized about and we had really good sex yesterday but I don’t really feel happy about it. I don’t feel happy about all that much these days.
It’s like my mental illness has taken over and the fact that my mom’s health is shitting out fantastically can’t matter. I don’t want to think about it because it means admitting she’ll be gone soon. I mean, everyone is going to die one day but I wish it wasn’t so soon, and before I’ve learned how to do adult things and live on my own and shit. I keep wanting to ask for her advice and I can’t.
I just can’t anything, and I’m afraid of feeling the urge to cut again and I don’t want to go there mostly because getting hospitalized will be the shittiest thing to do right now. Because of how it will affect those around me. I don’t consider myself in some of my decisions. I just miss having a mom to mother me like I’m a kid again.
Mom has, according to the doctor, 6-9 months. She asked him to refer her to hospice and we’re going that route. I’m really glad she’s being pretty accepting of all this and making sure she has a good quality of life but I’m also sad and angry at whatever higher powers decided she needed to go now. I need my mom and I don’t want to say goodbye to her ever much less so soon.
To make matters worse, dad was a huge ass to me the other night; he screamed at me for not answering a question quickly enough for him. I’m scared to be around him without mom there to straighten him out. He doesn’t think he needs any sort of counseling. I can’t do all the therapy for this family…
So I feel like absolute shit and keeping up with school work has been nigh impossible. How do you do work when you cry at almost everything and don’t even feel like eating?
Orgasms are awesome
Sometimes when I’m getting undressed for bed I accidentally snap my own bra.
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SLEEP OH GOD WHY AM I STILL UP